College Essay [Help]

[Whitey]

Write a brief essay about why you are interested in
Stephens College and how you feel attendance will help you reach your goals.


My college search was sparse before maybe September of this year. I'd done a bit of looking before and had only come up with one option to satisfy my counselor. It wasn't a great option, but I wasn't concerned. That kept me going through until two months ago when I got a huge urge to simply search for colleges. I sat on the floor with my laptop and figured that I would search for a college that allowed pets in their dorm. I was curious if I could bring my cat with me to the school I wanted to go to. Stephens was one of the first I found. I checked it out and immediately shook a little. Maybe it was the cold chills going down me because of the burning hot laptop in my lap, or maybe I just saw three things I absolutely want to do in college all combined.

The first thing I noticed after, of course, pets was the fact your college has such a huge equine program. My hope for a future was to be able to go into an Equine/Large Animal Vet practice and seeing the different equine majors just got me excited; along with the pre-professional program. I was ready to apply at that minute and then I kept browsing and saw that your campus has two different theaters. Even though my dream is to be an equine vet and then after run a barn perhaps, I still want to be as involved in theater as much as possible. I've done so much with it already, it's sucked me into the techie void and I doubt I'll be able to get out. Those three things combined sold me. It provides for everything I'd love to do. My impossible dream is to run a barn and be a vet at the same time as well as dappling in some community theater as a lighting tech or stage manager or even director and this place just covers it all.

After I calmed down some from the excitement I turned to my cat with big eyes and said, "So, you ready to move back down south?" with the biggest grin you could ever imagine.

Notes: This is a 'madman draft' meaning I sat here and just typed out whatever came to mind. I'd like to try and make this more 'witty' to be more comical. I feel it's too much of me in awe of the school while answering the question and to me that doesn't come across right. I want it to be very informal and comical, something that anyone would have fun reading.[/blockquote][/size][/blockquote]

[Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander]

I really liked it so far, but what do you wish to change? I know you asked to make it informal and comical, but like what kind of comical do you want in it? xP

[/blockquote]

[T. Corpse]

Well I think that your idea to keep it informal, comical, and witty are good ones (as long as those things are what you normally are - seeing as the essay is really the only way for college to get to know who you really are, unless, of course, there's an interview). However, despite the informality that you seem to be looking for, I still think that you're going to need a strong opening paragraph. The way that you've opened it so far looks like it would do best as the beginning to the essay's body. I also think that you're going to need a good, solid conclusion that briefly summarizes up all the reasons you want to go to Stephens, not just because you can take your cat.

Which is another thing that I think I, personally, would change about a college essay - even if being able to take your cat is a huge part of your reason for applying, I would tone it down a little. From the way that it is so far, what I get from this is that bringing your cat is the real reason you want to go. This isn't going to look as good compared to other applicants who have described academic reasons. After all, the question does ask "how will attendance help you achieve your goals?" I think that you should really go straight to the heart of that.

Another thing that I noticed was that you say "Stephans was the first", which gives the reader the impression that once you fond Stephans, you just sort of decided on the college without anymore research. I think your best bet would be to change it to something like "No matter how many colleges I found, I always came back to Stephans, in awe of all that they had for me." (As cheesy as that is. xD)

The final thing that I think could be changed is the use of the phrase "my impossible dream." That doesn't seem as confident, proactive, and optimistic as I would think colleges would be looking for, I would strongly advise you change it to something that isn't so negative.

Uhh, I hope this wasn't to intensive as a critique for the madman's draft. x3; Anyway, I hope I managed to help out.